I fell asleep around 7 last night, not really asleep, more dozing half awake, but woke up around 9, and was awake until after 2. *sigh* And when the alarm went off this morning, I fell back asleep until 6:45. But it's not oversleeping if you've only had 5 hours of sleep, right?

I can't really say that I've enjoyed this week - early in the week I was dealing with some mood swings and abdominal pain. And of course Wednesday's interesting news. But it's funny: since Wednesday, I've gotten so focused. I've been in this situation before, and with a lot less notice, so I am going to, as best I can, focus on the positives in this. I think there are some, for sure. And some that are a little unexpected - like R.

R has been rock-solid, an amazing support for me the past couple of days. This reinforces for me what I do know about him: no matter our current personal difficulties (and it's been so, so difficult for us lately), when my back is against the wall, no matter what, he will be there for me. I know this deep inside, I don't have to think about it, and it's a good feeling. (And if he lets his guard down, he'll see I am there for him in equal measure, which he does sometimes.)

He's proved that the last two days, and that has turned into one of those nice little blessings for me this week. It's one thing to know it in the abstract, but quite another to see it in practice. He was the first person I turned to Wednesday, he called me immediately and we've talked several times since - twice yesterday (including last night when he was fighting a migraine, he called just to check up on me, so we kept it short). I will say, sometimes the boy just knows the right thing to say to make me laugh, and last night he suggested that on my way in to work today, I should make a pit stop at Crown and Anchor, have me about 5 or 6 beers and then if I felt like it, go to work. For some reason, his deadpan delivery, the absurdity of the suggestion, it just struck my funny bone, and I told him I now owed him a beer for giving me the first real laugh of the day. The lovely (and yes, loving) things he's said to me the last couple of days, his support, I told him yesterday I'm holding it in my heart, and it's helping me stay focused and positive. And considering the really big issues he's currently dealing with in his life, what he's given me has been a real gift, and I know it.

As I told him (and spielmadchen) last night, it's easy at work, when I'm busy and focused. But when I'm at home, alone, and things slow down and I have time to just think, that's when the reality hits me and the fear starts to creep in. So, it's those quiet times when I may be leaning more on folks - I'll try to spread the love. :-p

And even if I don't reply to everyone's comments, they mean a great deal to me, and I am holding them in my heart. Each of you is a blessing to me as well.

The last dream I remember before waking up this morning, I was going somewhere with some fellow Texas fans and a friend who hasn't been in my life for several years. We were going to be driving, and at first I was all lalala I have plenty of time but then I realized I needed to pack, so I got a small suitcase out and neatly packed it. Only someone, I think it was Karen, suggested that I was going to need more stuff, and then I realized I didn't have much time, so I started to repack the suitcase, still using a smaller suitcase, but realizing it may not be big enough. I didn't feel too frantic about it but I still knew I needed to get more stuff into the bag and that I was starting to run out of time. Then the alarm went off, because that's what it does...

23 and 24. Glass Houses and Dead Girls' Dance by rachelcaine. The first two books in the Morganville Vampire series, a teen vampire series. Claine Danvers is a young genius who graduates high school early but her parents don't want her going off to one of the large colleges outside of Texas. So they pack her off to a small school in tiny town Morganville, TX. Not exactly Harvard or MIT, but at 16, that's her parents' decision. Claire is targeted for bullying (pretty severe bullying at that) by an upper classman in her dorm, and takes it upon herself to move out before she is seriously hurt, or worse. Only, Claire discovers that Morganville hides a pretty big secret from the outside world: it is run by vampires. She ends up moving (temporarily) into the Glass House, an old house on the edge of town, with 3 new roommates: Michael (who's never seen during the day), Eve, the requisite goth chick who works at the local coffee shop, and Shane. Each of Claire's new roommates carries their own terrible secrets. But somehow, Claire comes to the attention of Amelie, the oldest vampire in Morganville, who offers her protection. But will the other vampires respect that?

These are small, easy to read books, and I rather liked them. They're a bit darker than the Vampire Academy books by blue_succubus, and it would be quite unfair to compare them, although some inevitably may. Morganville is a place where the human population doesn't go out at night, they don't look kindly on strangers, and they mind their own business so that they can skate under the radar. And the vampires most definitely will do what they have to to keep their existence secret, even if it means killing to do so.

I'd like to read further in this series.

25. Kitty and the Dead Man's Hand by Carrie Vaughan. Last year, 2 Kitty books were published, yay! Kitty and Ben are now the alpha werewolves in Denver, mated for life. But they decide to make it all official and get married. Only, Kitty's mother, who is recovering from breast cancer, really wants a big wedding, and Kitty doesn't. So, she and Ben decide to elope to Las Vegas, and oh while she's there, she'll do a live performance for a television and live audience of her popular radio show The Midnight Hour. And introduce herself to the local master vampire, Dominic. All Kitty wants is to do her show, get married, and sit by the pool drinking frou frou drinks, but it doesn't quite work out that way. She comes to the attention of a master magician and also the head of an animal act, an act that most certainly isn't what it seems.

As you might expect, mayhem ensues. And the action continues in Kitty Raises Hell, which also came out last year, and is currently in my stack to be read next.

Not planning on doing anything today. I woke up too damned early, at 6:30 and never got back to sleep. So I said fuck it, and went to Kerbey Lane for pancakes. Red, white and blue (blueberry pancakes with strawberries and whip cream on top). I have to admit, that hit my pancake need spot.

Now at Genuine Joe's working on my caffeine needs.

I have things to think about. But I still don't feel like dealing with crowds or heat so I'll go home shortly and stay in. I still need to watch Wall*E so maybe I'll do that this afternoon. I'm also reading Kitty and the Dead Man's Hand so I may make more of a dent in that this afternoon. Maybe take a nap.

Pretty much do nothing. Just not feeling in the mood, plus it's too hot out.

I have no enthusiasm for the upcoming weekend, sad to say. I don't even have any enthusiasm for doing some shoe shopping, and you all know how much I love shoe shopping. Of course, once I actually start the shoe shopping I'll get my squee on (especially if I can find a great deal).

I found out my desk will be moved to my new office, which is great news - I don't have to pack it up. I can leave my messy drawers as they are, they just take the drawers out and move the whole thing as is. That's a relief, and makes the packing situation a lot easier on me.

More abdominal cramping just started a few minutes ago. So far it's a low level aching, but I can tell it's starting to build up to hmm that really hurts level. And I am out of drugs (in the office, I have drugs at home). Oh well, it gives me something else to think about I suppose.

I need to brave the bright, sunny, hot outdoors to get lunch. Have I mentioned lately that I hate summers here? :-p

I took a sick day yesterday, because my body really needed the rest. Sleep, breathing, both have been in short supply lately and yesterday morning it was no go to work. I managed to fall back asleep sort of, and got up around 9:30. I putzed around a bit in the morning, did laundry. Met ryryforsale for lunch, and even got to meet Bill the Cat (who was fine with me until I went in for the smooch, and didn't want anything to do with me after that, story of my life!).

I started to develop a headache while I was at Ryan's place, so I came home and took a nap. The headache just stayed with me all day - I think the heat was the culprit. Never did shake it, and fell asleep during Colbert. Woke up at 3:30, never really got back to sleep.

You know, I have so little in my life right now that makes me happy, I'd love it if I could just sleep! :-/

But I'm fine enough to come in today, because hey it's only July 3, so not a holiday. It's dead out there - it only took about 30 minutes to get in to work, a record I think.

I have things to do, emails to check, and an office to pack up. My supervisor brought me some boxes and trash bags. I may do a little packing today, but may do it more wholesale early next week. I have to see if my desk is being moved or not. I suspect they won't move my desk, which means I'll have to pack it up and that will be a pain in the butt. My last move, they moved my desk. Same with my bookshelf unit, I'll need to pack that. I think my credenza will come with, so I'll only have to pack the stuff on top (decorative stuff).

This is such a pain, but hopefully will be my last office move. And at least they gave me more than a day's notice this time, unlike last year when they showed up to move me and no one had even told me yet what office I was moving into.

Boys continue to be dumb, except I think ryryforsale is wise beyond his years.

So who's going to nucleartacos tonight? I'm on the fence, but I can be pursuaded, maybe...

I just went downstairs to look at the space I'll be moving into next week. It's a little smaller than what I've got now, but not too bad. Only 1 window, not two, which is too bad. It's funny, I've always had 2 windows. But it's a southern exposure which a giant oak tree right outside. The window will be behind me over my left shoulder, so it'll be nice in that I won't have glare on my monitor.

It'll be a PITA to have to move again, but I think I can make this work out okay.

And I suspect I'll never have to be moved again, until they tear down this building or I work somewhere else. At least I hope so.

I'm being moved to a different (and smaller) office on the 1st floor end of next week. The good news is it's not big enough for me to have to ever office share. But it's a pain in the ass that I'm being moved again. But someone else is being moved in here.

And there's even bigger shenanigans afoot on the 2nd floor. Our assistant chair is being moved out of her office because the EA is being moved into the assistant chair's office. 3 doors down from the chairman. Not exactly where the EA ought to be sitting... :-o

FUCK. OFF.

No, really! Not the day to be spamming me.

And I'm not 50 yet!

First, happy birthday to zombienought!

I hear honest-to-goodness, real, actual thunder outside. The sky is mildly darkish, so I'm wondering if it may rain. Oh wait, water is falling from the sky - the world is ending! :-p

I have come to realize my life is like a less charming, more demented version of Groundhog Day. I set some boundaries yesterday that I've set in the past. I have only broken them once, and it was a doozy. Not again. I told the other party to stay away, I was tired of the games.

I got a lovely text from F yesterday - he knows that it hasn't been easy recently, and just wanted to let me know he was thinking of me. The bastard is in Paris for work (and of course I'm jealous). I find it interesting that I get more compassion and understanding from someone I have spent only a few hours with IRL (although lots of emails and such after that one meeting last summer) than someone who I've spent a lot of intimate time with IRL.

After work met schnookiemuffin at Joann Fabrics. We found some pretty black lace fabric on a good sale, so got 3 yards of that, and a nice red polyester for her to make me a wrap skirt (the red is the underskirt, with the black lace as the overskirt. It'll be a great skirt for going out partying. I think it's going to be beautiful.

Since it was crazy ass hot yesterday (106), we walked over to Mighty Fine and got drinks of the refreshing variety (sweet tea, lemonade), and talked boys. We traded stories about dumb boys in our lives. Now, mine was a more recent story than hers, and all kinds of sordid (and I managed to make her laugh at one point), but her story was a doozy, and I won't lie - her boy was by far the dumber!

Spent much of the evening texting napalmgod last night, because he knows how to provide the right mix of empty flattery and honest chat that makes me feel better. Especially since I wasn't feeling well last night, both physically and emotionally.

I'm feeling better on all fronts this morning, although the physical I'm still working out. Yesterday afternoon it got a lot worse sort of suddenly, and I needed to bust out the drugs. The drugs provided about an hour's worth of relief, but driving home after Joann, it came back. I keep telling myself this is still a big improvement over a month ago, but you know, more improvement is needed! 3 days of almost nonstop pain - I'd forgotten how much that hurt.

This morning a (very cute, very young) guy from Physical Plant in our building, also waiting for the elevator gave me ego boo on my green hair. Just what I needed for the moment.

Now what I really need to do is break the curse.

I've been in increasing amounts of pain for the past 3 days. It intensified a little while ago. This is for the birds...

Time to pop some some pills. I have fabric shopping to do after work (and yes, I need to do that, I need to do something good for myself today, it's been a shitty day, way up there in I'd say the top 5 of shitty days).

It can be hard to do the right thing. For one's self, not for others. Women especially are conditioned taught from an early age to put the needs of others above our own. We're the nurturers, the caretakers. We hear that question time and again in the ether of who will care for the caretakers (that would be us). Well, sometimes we just have to put our own needs above those of anyone else. It's not always an easy thing to do, but if one doesn't, no one else will. And then what will be the cost.

So, last night, I put my own needs above those of someone else. I won't go into details, because they're frankly not that interesting. But by doing this, I did some small part to restore my self respect. But at the cost of completely losing respect for the other person. Which is sad, because that person has always been someone who deserved my respect. But not at this time. Does that mean this person will never have my respect again? I don't know - it would be foolish to say never! But that person will have to do a lot to earn it back (and I do mean earn it). Not to mention my trust, which frankly will be a lot harder to get back than my respect.

I thought it would bother me more, but not so much.

In other news, I spent much of the weekend in pain. I'm feeling better this morning, although still achy. That was disappointing. And of course, I just didn't sleep last night. I fell asleep around 11, woke up at midnight, and was awake for a few hours after that. I can't blame the hormones for that, that really was the unexpected, late-developing situation I found myself dealing with.

Of course it helps that I can crank up some Supertramp this morning, because you know what, that's some feel good shit, I don't care what any of you say. :-p

ETA: so I just had to talk to this person (business reason) and ooof, that actually didn't feel good (especially when said person tried to engage me in a little chit chat). I don't kid myself, but it would help a lot to not see or talk to said person.

The weekend winds down. I slept poorly last night - I feel asleep just fine but then woke up at 1 and was awake until after 3. Not having nearly as much fun being awake at that time of night as I did Saturday night. I couldn't breathe, and it took a while to get that sorted out. And by then, my mind was going through some things that were bothering me, and voila, I was wide awake.

This may have been brought on in some small part by going to see Cheri. jess_ka recommended it to me, after a novel by Collette. It's set in 1920s Paris, and is the story of a passionate love affair between an aging courtesan (Michelle Pfeiffer, who wow is stunning!) and the much younger son of a friend/rival, also an aging courtesan, played by Kathy Bates. It was a gorgeous, gorgeous movie. I so want to go to Paris now! Everything was beautiful, and just the visual of the film was art. The colors, the framing, the architecture, furniture, gardens, color everywhere, gorgeous! The story was passionate, and yet the ending caught me off guard. Tragic is a good way to describe it. And I think because of that ending, it got me to thinking about my own life, aging, going for what one wants, no matter what stage of life you are in. And in my self-reflection, I came out wanting. One can "have it all" and yet have nothing, as we see in this movie.

But still, I highly recommend it. I would want to see it again just to soak up more of the cinematography, the visual.

Got up at 9 after not much restful sleep, and I've been feeling very unsettled today. I have an idea of why, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Cancelled going to the Watermelon Thump. It's just too hot out for being outside. And I can put the time to use doing some other things, like groceries, laundry. Nothing exciting, but necessary.

I'm tired and I'm confused and that's not a great combination. I hope to get some answers to a few things that are bothering me, that should at least help with the confusion. The tired, well, that just has to sort itself out. Yesterday afternoon and last night I had more ab pain, which just served to remind me that my physical issues, while a lot better, are not "healed" yet. It's a little discouraging, because I know patience isn't something I'm exactly known for. But I still tell myself I'm doing a lot, lot better than I was even 6 weeks ago.

I have to run a few errands and then I'll be heading home for the day.

I hope all my friends who are soon to be leaving Houston for Austin, DFW or other parts have safe drives home, and don't come down with con crud. I look forward to reading everyone's con reports. I'm sorry I didn't go, but I'm also not sorry. Okay that makes sense to me.

Last night I had a wonderful dinner with zombienought and zombiena at the new Madam Mam's. They introduced me to mango sticky rice for desert - I love the combination of salt and sweet. After dinner, we went to their house for kitty playing and great conversation.

I was beat when I got home, and showered and fell asleep fairly early. But my phone woke me up at 1 when I got a text from the boy. I know he's not always up that late, but he's at a con, and the text had just come in, so I replied to his text. Well, within about 2 seconds he called me and said that my text woke him up! Seems he had texted me at 10, and it took 3 hours for it to be delivered to my phone. Seriously, I could have driven to Houston in that amount of time. Anyway, we proceeded to talk for the next two hours. At first it was stupid and silly and flirty, and we were both laughing our asses off (as two people just awakened at 1am, laying in bed can do). Then it got a little more serious in a good way - we had a really interesting conversation about art, we talked a bit about why I was upset with him the other night; in all it ended up being a pretty intimate conversation. Ended up with more of the silly, and me giving him hell for waiting for 2 days to go to the doctor when he injured himself a few weeks ago.

It was 3 when we hung up and you know, this was one time I didn't mind being awake at that hour. I was awake until about 4:30, thinking about our conversation mostly (and the subtext of it). I met jess_ka for breakfast and coffee at the downtown Austin Java. I've never been here, and I really like it, especially that chocolate chip pancake with fresh strawberries, which was to die for. She told me about a movie playing at Arbor that she wants to see, and now I want to see it, and will probably do so for the 3pm showing today. I'm pretty much doing nothing the rest of the day, except I do need to get some domestic stuff done.

Errands and such had to be run after I left work yesterday, including a trip up to Georgetown to get my green back! Yay for my green! I got home around 4ish, and was beat, so I laid down to take a nap, and was awakened about an hour and a half later by all kinds of people beeping me that Michael Jackson had died. (Including the boy, who is the same age as MJ, and it was sobering, given his recent issues.)

I had a received a last minute invitation to have dinner last night with schnookiemuffin and egosumquisum and their kitties Trouble and Dobro. Oh what a nice time was had! (At least by me.) We had leftovers made into a meat pie (which included fresh from her garden ingredients), drank some wine, watched the chickens (the chickens crack me up, they follow Joy around like little poodles), played with kitties (Joy's elderly skinny little bitchy black cat Trouble, who I thought was too cute, decided I made good furniture - and here is photographic evidence of such, and you can see a bit my green, plus if you look below my left elbow, you can just see Joy's other kitty Dobro, being all jealous that Trouble was getting all the attention):

We got to talking at one point about why boys are dumb, and guess who called me right at that very moment? :-) It's like he knows (usually he calls me when I'm in the shower, so I guess he was mixing it up a bit). Joy and her boy remind me an awful lot of me and R - it's funny how much our respective personalities are so alike.

Joy showed me this adorable wrap skirt she made for herself, and she was working on one for lovemonster while I was there. I asked her to make one for me, so we'll have to go fabric shopping soon (at least after I get paid Tuesday).

She showed me her canning operation. I tell you, this woman is prepared! And don't you know, she sent me home with some canned chicken soup and 11 fresh eggs (1 of the ones collected last night broke)! I see another frittata in my near future.

It was so hot, 100 at 9 when I went home last night, so of course I showered, and the boy called me within seconds of me getting out of the shower - it really is like he knows (I tease him about this all the time). He was preparing for hitting the road to Houston for ApolloCon, and was having a very frustrating day getting his stuff together, and just needed to talk to someone about it (and also about some ArmadilloCon business I'm trying to pass his way). Oh and then we talked about the war, Vietnam, the Federal Reserve, and current politics, because you know, that's how we roll. And I asked him to bring me back a present from ApolloCon. :-p

Despite the nap, and being up late talking to R, I did okay in the sleep dept. Up late, of course, until sometime after 1 but I slept straight through without waking until the alarm went off. 5 hours still isn't enough sleep, but at least it was a good 5 hours. That's probably the best sleep I've had in a few weeks.

And lookie, it's already Friday, and I'm having dinner tonight with zombienought and zombiena, which I'm really looking forward to, since I haven't seen them in forever.

All my friends heading to Houston for ApolloCon (or other reasons): drive safely, and have a great time. I look forward to reading your trip reports.

Another night of not getting much sleep. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Fortunately I'm only working a half day today (but because of that, I had to drive in today, meaning I had to get up and leave a little earlier to get parking).

It was so ridiculously hot yesterday, which doesn't help. But I had a very specific need yesterday, and I communicated that need to someone who then 100% ignored the communication. I repeated the communication and even said, no really, this is important, please acknowledge this, that this is is important. Which was again 100% ignored. All while this person has benefited a great deal lately from some favors and claimed to be quite grateful. Now, I wasn't actually asking for something that was big, shouldn't have been viewed as onerous. I just asked that something I said be recognized as being important to me. Well, that still went unheeded - and yes, I know when words and actions don't match, I always go with actions. I informed this person that they were on their own, no more of favors from me (no, not THOSE kinds of favors you few pervs who might read this, and you know who you are napalmgod).

Now, I wasn't helping this person with the goal of getting something in return. Not at all. But when someone says, man, you've really done a lot to help me lately, and I'm more grateful than you can know, back it up when the other person says hey, I need something and this is something important to me. Yesterday just wasn't a good time for this to happen.

This morning I had an email from an artist friend in MN. She's been going through a lot of changes in her life lately. One thing is clear: she's leaving MN but the question remains, where is she going - there are two possibilities, and she's been going back and forth on them. In a lot of ways, her current struggles mirror mine, so we've been talking a bit about those struggles. Well, I really laid it out to her in an email in a way I haven't done with anyone else, and her reply this morning has gotten me to thinking. Because of the not good night I had last night, combined with her email this morning that didn't go where I thought it was going, it gives me things to think about.

All I know is this: if I'm going to get my birthday wish (the private one that I've let the Universe know about), a lot has to happen in the next month, and right now I don't know if that can happen. I have a new wish as well: I want to wake up one morning and know that I am loved (and I'm not talking friend love) and that the one who loves me isn't afraid to take that leap with me. How did I get to this point in my life and I still don't have that? (Or at least the two elements together.)

I'm also still hoping someone will get me Murder Ballads (and watch, I'll get like 5 copies of it or something, ha).

Meanwhile, most people I know will be in Houston this weekend, but I've actually got some plans shaping up already. Friday night dinner with zombienought and zombiena at the new Madam Mam's (in the Village by the Drafthouse I'm told). Sunday, looks like I may be going to the Watermelon Thump with schnookiemuffin and the boy. I've never been, and who doesn't enjoy cold watermelon on a hot summer day? Saturday - well I did get a $10 gift certificate to Austin Java, so I think I'm going to check them out. I rarely go downtown on the weekends, so I haven't been down there yet.

ETA: So, to address the criticism of my anon commenter (from the Waco area, or at least McClennan County): I realize my comments above may have sounded a bit whiny, but some very few of you will have a better understanding of my frustrations and the underlying context.

For the rest of you slackers, I think it's fair to say that at any time when any relationship starts to feel let's say a little bit lopsided, resentment and tensions can build. So when one partner feels they're putting in a bit more (which is actually fairly natural at any given time for most relationships) and they have a need that isn't met, I think it's perfectly natural to feel resentful. Add in 105 yesterday afternoon and that's just not a good feeling all around.

If this were a single occurrence, you brush it off - this wasn't a single occurrence. I didn't anticipate the need arising yesterday, and really wish it hadn't, but it did. I could have done the childish thing and not communicated it, hoping the other person could read my mind and give me what I need, but that's not healthy, so I did communicate the need. The lack of response was childish (it wasn't a case of the other person not responding to anything, oh, no, he was responding quite enthusiastically to select parts of some information I sent him that could potentially greatly benefit him, and completely ignored the need, so you can't say maybe he didn't see your email).

Given my long history with this person, he can get complacent, and I put him on notice last night I wasn't putting up with his complacency towards me - that's equally unhealthy. Does this mean I throw up my hands and say I'm done with him. Nope. But I'm not putting up with his crap, either. And I think he'll get that - he's a pretty damned intelligent person.

The Moon's return to your sign today brings your feelings out into the open. Even if you've been holding your emotions close to your heart, now it's time to share them with others or, ideally, with a special someone. But don't just go around expressing every thought that flashes through your mind, for keeping healthy boundaries is still a good idea. Remember your reactions to a situation are ultimately your business alone; discussing them with others is discretionary.

It's funny, the guy who writes this particular horoscope, it often matches to what's going on in my life (this is the same guy that I know reudaly also likes). I have some things that have been on my mind of a more personal nature than I've been letting on, and I have shared a little of them with the person(s) involved. Still, interesting. And even before I read this, I sent off a quick email to someone expressing a desire to them (in very simple terms).

I have felt a change in me since Monday night, and especially yesterday. I don't know why that change has come about now, but it has, and I'm going with it. It's an almost feverish change - it's not a bad change, but it's insistent, and I've learned over time to listen to and trust these voices and these feelings. I took a small risk last night, and even though I didn't get any response to what I did, the lack of response actually shows me things are progressing (slowly) the way I want, I believe (because before there was a negative response to a similar risk). I'm not pushing too hard, but I am pushing. This is not the time to sit back and see what happens - this is the time for action.

I fell asleep kind of early last night (during Jon Stewart), but my phone beeped me awake a little after 11. A few times now, after 11, someone has called from a local number that isn't in my phone, so I don't know who it is. Whoever it was called again last night and it was the beeping of my phone telling me of a missed call that woke me up. After that, I was awake until after 1 trying not to be awake. As tired as I was, I couldn't fall back asleep, and that alarm went off way too early this morning, so I'm feeling teh tired even now.

If it was you calling me, either stop calling so late, or at least leave a message so I'll know it was you (that's right, I'm looking at you).

All told I probably got 4 hours of sleep, so you all know I'm loving on my java.

Oh, last night, I dreamed that I was at work (bad enough I know) and I was given a 20% raise, even though no staff at the university are getting raises this year. In my dream, they were fudging it a bit to be able to give me the raise, and also they sat me down and told me for too long they hadn't valued me enough and the raise was just the first step in correcting that problem. In the dream I remember feeling excited, overwhelmed, validated, and loving it!

Then the alarm went off and I was faced with my reality: 6am comes too early, and I'm not getting any raise. :-)

But I don't really think the dream was about work, you know...

ETA: jess_ka recommended a different horoscope site that she likes, and I LOVE this horoscope for this week - it feels very apropos to me right now:

Lately, you have been pretty clever. You have not just sown the seed of change but nurtured it sensitively. It is already clear that a new approach is going to work well. What's required now is a chance to consolidate. You don't need to add any more ingredients to the stew. You don't have to adapt the recipe any more. You just have to be confident and committed. Follow through the process that you have begun and it will result in a fine outcome. You don't need to work any more miracles. You just need to celebrate solstice week by developing the miracles you have already begun to work..

Hmmm.

It's probably not smart for me to try to do too much thinking so early in the morning without having finished off my first cuppa, but that's me: I like to live on the edge. I have a lot on my mind this morning. Not all bad, most of it not bad actually. But I'm feeling conflicted about a few things.

Still, I have direction again. I know what I want. I have to make it happen. I'm working slowly to do that. Slowly being the key word. And trying to inject a little fun into the process, without letting my insecurities get in the way.

Last night in an email, sister-of-my-heart reudaly paraphrased a passage from Ecclesiastes 3 by saying everything in its season (the first verse is "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" to which a certain generation of us will add the obligatory "turn turn turn" thanks to The Byrds). Ecclesiastes 3 (esp. v. 1-8) is one of my favorite Biblical passages, because it reminds us that what will happen will happen, that life is cyclical, and maybe we shouldn't sweat it so much worrying; we all have our purposes. But I think it also reminds us that we have to attend to life, and that sometimes we'll laugh and sometimes we'll cry, but when we're crying, we'll get back around to laughing. At least that's partly my take on it.

Anyway, I was talking to her about a specific part of my life that I want to work on but I was telling her this isn't really the time to try that. And she reminded me that while it may not be the time now, the time will come. So I do appreciate that reminder, Rhonda.

I made a smidge of headway on this very issue last night after emailing Rhonda, quite accidentally. I had switched over to the UT/LSU game (7th inning, when it looked like UT might win, now I'm sorry I didn't watch the whole game, it was quite the nailbiter I'm told). I got a call from an artist friend that started out as a bit of business and evolved a bit from there. I did this artist friend a solid yesterday and he called to talk to me about it, but I will admit, I pushed him a bit on some items of a more personal nature. He pushed back a bit, in a somewhat half-hearted attempt, but I gave him notice that I'm not backing down on this (I believe my exact line to him was "resistance is futile" which he knew for what it was, as will probably most of you). He hasn't run for the hills (yet). But that's all I did, put him on notice. We will finish our unfinished business (and this statement has a very specific meaning that only he and I will understand).

Meanwhile, I sit at my desk, getting an awful lot of Enigma on Ye Olde iPod Shuffle this morning (and digging it), sipping my coffee, thinking about the day ahead, and planning, yes, planning. I won't get what I want by passively waiting for it to come to me. I have to actively attend to it, and that's exactly what I intend to do.

I won't lie, my insecurities threaten to derail me at every step, so I have to see if I can manage to push through them. I hope so, because the end is worth it, I believe. Unfortunately, I think my insecurities may be why I didn't sleep very well last night - or it could be hormones. I woke up several times and when I did sleep, it wasn't very restful, so I am a bit tired this morning.

But, I am determined.

http://ow.ly/fvQB

Seriously, a postal worker is afraid of a wee, scary 6 month old kitten.